


Wasn’t Lying

by quellthefire



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a fluffy ending, Bucky is sweet and wants love, Dancing to old records, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Shared apartment, Steve is terrified he doesn’t deserve it, Steve realizing he fucked up, Stucky - Freeform, but the angst is intense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 08:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18205802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quellthefire/pseuds/quellthefire
Summary: He wanted empty space and open roads. But instead he was stuck in this cluttered apartment, surrounded by all the things they were building a life together with.-Steve fucks up when Bucky tries to be sweet. He’s terrified that he doesn’t deserve the happiness and love Bucky wants to give him.





	Wasn’t Lying

**Author's Note:**

  * For [e3105](https://archiveofourown.org/users/e3105/gifts).



> Inspired by the prompt: “I wasn’t lying when I said that I love you” from @e3015. You’re a big part of why I fell in love with Stucky, and I hope you love it. 
> 
> Thanks to @jwolf18791 for beta reading and encouragement.

‘I wasn’t lying when I said that I love you.’

The words echoed in Steve’s mind, a mantra he couldn’t shake. It was too painful to bear, but he couldn’t escape it. 

He wanted empty space and open roads. But instead he was stuck in this cluttered apartment, surrounded by all the things they were building a life together with. 

He kicked the pile of records that were lying half organized on the floor. 

-

They’d been sorting through their favorites, reminiscing about the bands they loved to go see on Friday nights at the dance hall. And Bucky had grabbed him and started dancing. 

And for once he let himself get caught up in it all. He’d let go and let Bucky lead him around the apartment, dancing in time to the big band music that they’d loved as young men. 

But they weren’t young anymore. And suddenly Steve was all too aware of Bucky’s hand on his hip and the warmth of his breath. And it was too much. Too close, too warm. Too perfect. 

So he shoved Bucky away from him. He had to, he told himself. He didn’t deserve something as perfect as this moment.

And in that moment he knew he’d been right that he didn’t deserve to be happy. The look that flashed across Bucky’s face. One of confusion and hurt and anger. It was all wrapped up in his gorgeous eyes and the pain was too much to bear. 

Better to end things now. To set the boundary before he let himself get in too deep. Better to break his own heart now than when he couldn’t handle the hurt. 

But he saw the pain on Bucky’s face, and it wasn’t his own heart that he was breaking.

Bucky reached out, tentative and shaky. He tried to touch Steve’s cheek, gentle and soft. 

And Steve turned, too scared to face Bucky. Too scared to face himself. 

And Bucky’s voice went cold. 

“I wasn’t lying when I said that I love you. I know you remember it. December 1944. We were camped out in that tiny cabin and you couldn’t sleep. You kept having nightmares and I held you and stroked your hair and I told you I loved you. And you didn’t say anything back, but I thought in that moment that you felt the same way. I always knew you struggled with talking about your feelings. Couldn’t talk about us. But I was half convinced you loved me back.”

Steve winced at the memory. At how beautiful that moment had been. At how safe and secure he’d felt in Bucky’s arms. Bucky, who rubbed his back and held him until he could face sleep again. Bucky who’d spent his whole life wanting Steve to say it back. 

“And then now, we have this fresh start. This chance to just be us again. And you can’t even look at me. God, I’m such a fool. You’ll never be able to love me back will you?”

And then Bucky was leaving, shoving clothes into a duffel bag and Steve just stood there watching him. 

He wanted so badly to stop him. To beg him to stay. But all he could ask was where he’d go. 

“Maybe Nat’s? Why do you care?” Bucky’s voice was gruff and low. 

And it made Steve’s gut wrench. He couldn’t just let it end this way. 

But he did. 

-

And now he was alone in their apartment. Alone with all the things they’d built a life with. And the music was still playing on the record player, and he was crying. Sobs wrenched from his lungs and he wished he’d never woken up. He wished he’d stayed dead to the world, because that would be less painful than this. Than hurting the one person who’d always loved him. 

The song ended and the record went quiet and he could hear the gentle hum of the radiator.

And the words played over and over and over in his mind. Mocking him like the fool he was. 

‘I wasn’t lying when I said that I love you.’

‘I wasn’t lying.’

‘I love you.’

And Steve sat there, slumped next to the records and the bottle of wine that sat half drunk on the coffee table. And he let himself mourn.

Mourn the loss of the man he’d been before all this. The loss of any sense of normalcy. Mourn the loss of his best friend, who’d loved him for a lifetime. 

They’d always said they’d be there for each other. But he’d finally managed to break even that. His whole life was so fractured that even Bucky had broken.

Eventually the sobs quieted into little hitches of his breath, and he felt cold. He didn’t know what time it was, he just knew he needed to find Bucky. He needed to apologize and be the one to hold Bucky for once. He hoped to god that Bucky would let him. 

And so he grabbed his keys and his leather jacket, the one that always made Bucky’s eyes go hungry. And he was speeding through the night, the wind whipping his face as he steered his motorcycle down empty streets. 

He’d wanted open roads and emptiness. And now that he had it, all he could think about was wanting to be back in their cluttered apartment with Bucky. Wanting to reverse time and lean into his touch. To dance late into the night until they were so wine drunk they collapsed in his bed and just held each other. 

He had to fix this. 

‘I wasn’t lying when I said that I loved you.’

All too soon he was outside Nat’s apartment, the chill of the night air settling deep in his bones. 

Steve felt like he was being guided by something outside of himself. He felt himself walking up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and gently knocking on the door.

He knew it was late, too late. Was Bucky even here? Even if he was, would Nat pretend he wasn’t to respect Bucky’s wishes not to see Steve? 

Heart throbbing in his chest, he stood there, with head against the door frame. He was just about to give up and leave when the door quietly opened and Nat stood there, bleary-eyed and silent. And then she opened the door wider, so that Steve could see Bucky sitting on her couch, head in his hands like his world was crashing down. 

She moved to let him in and softly padded down the hall towards her bedroom, leaving them alone in her expansive living room. 

Steve stood awkwardly, unsure if Bucky had even noticed his presence. But then he saw the silent shaking, like he was trying with all his might to keep from crying. 

Bucky looked up at him, face dark and ashamed. 

And Steve was crossing the distance, more sure of himself than he’d ever been. 

He wrapped Bucky in his arms, cradling him and smoothing his hand on his back in a way he hoped was comforting. 

He nuzzled into Bucky’s neck, whispering as he rocked back and forth. 

“I love you. Oh god I love you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I’m so sorry. I was an idiot and I was scared, and I don’t deserve to be happy after the way I treated you, but I need you to know that I love you.”

Bucky squeezed into his touch, letting the tears pour freely now. Steve could feel the cold wet drops hitting his shoulder, damp on the cool cloth of his shirt. 

And then they were kissing, hesitant at first. Exploratory. 

Steve could feel his hands shake as he held Bucky, and he knew this was right. He knew this was what he’d wanted all along. 

The kiss was aching, years of unspoken pain and lust and love all wrapped up in their very first kiss. 

But somehow that made it perfect. They’d never had it easy. They’d had to fight to survive. Fight to be together after all these years. 

This made it all worth it, getting to hold Bucky and kiss him and for once, Steve felt like maybe he deserved a sliver of happiness. Like maybe after all these years of fighting he could settle into Bucky’s embrace and just be. 

“You’re such a fucking idiot, Steve.” Bucky’s breath caught as he stuttered out the words. 

And Steve laughed in spite of himself. He was. But he could learn to do better. To be the man Bucky deserved. 

“Yes I am, but I’m your idiot.” He could feel Bucky’s roaming hands, desperate to touch and be touched. 

“You were always mine, even when you didn’t know it, even when I didn’t know it,” Bucky said softly. 

“Always yours, even when I didn’t know it.” The words rang true in his mind, replacing the ones Bucky had said what felt like a lifetime ago. 

“Always yours, even when I didn’t know it,” Steve repeated, and let himself be loved for the first time.


End file.
